Friday, February 17, 2012

The reworking of Melly

I am a fairly driven person.  I like to go farther, faster, sooner.  I like to try new things, learn new skills, feel new "highs."  I wouldn't describe myself as competitive, as I could care less if I finish first; I just want to start something new and conquer it.

Knitting, DONE!
Triathlon-ing, DONE!
Half Marathon-ing, DONE-TWICE!
Moving across the country...5 times, DONE!
Birthing without medical intervention and even at home, DONE!  

Sitting still is not something I do well.  Resting is not really my thing.  Being "weak" is crazy-making for me.  So, when I found myself with a broken pelvis at 20-weeks pregnant after part of the house fell on me during the tornado, I felt like I was a contestant on "Survivor"...a bawdy housewife dropped on some weird island with no recognizable survival skills and only a stretchy bandana for a top.  How could I be Melly when confined to a bed?  Who the heck was I without the ability to DO?

I am still confronting that question.  I thought that after my sweet baby was born (via c-section due to my now deformed pelvis) I would bounce back to conquering shape, ready to run, ready to race, ready to let the world know the strength and passion of Melly. Wowzah was I mistaken.  My body is so jacked up now.  My belly is floppy and weak; my legs are now different lengths and as a result my gait is wonky, which makes my right knee, hip and foot ache every night; and nearly every muscle atrophied while I was on bed rest.  I feel doughy and weak and wobbly, physically and mentally.

I've always valued my physical strength and now it is a fraction of what it was before.  So, I am working to figure out who I am at the heart of me.  I am brave, I am creative, I am funny, and I have great hair.  But how will all of that translate into how I live my life absent of the challenges I am used to placing in front of myself?  I know that this is a season and I know it has value and will make me a "better" woman but it super sucks.  I don't like the uncertainty of not knowing what my body will be capable of once healing is complete.  I don't like that I will be reminded of that stinkin' tornado every time I see the scar on my belly or feel the ache in my hip or foot.

But I don't like the idea of being kept down and out...I will rework Mama.  I'll find new paths of success that will challenge and thrill me without taxing my jacked-up body.  I'll recover. I will.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing! Praying for you. Heather