I am a fairly driven person. I like to go farther, faster, sooner. I like to try new things, learn new skills, feel new "highs." I wouldn't describe myself as competitive, as I could care less if I finish first; I just want to start something new and conquer it.
Half Marathon-ing, DONE-TWICE!
Moving across the country...5 times, DONE!
Birthing without medical intervention and even at home, DONE!
Sitting still is not something I do well. Resting is not really my thing. Being "weak" is crazy-making for me. So, when I found myself with a broken pelvis at 20-weeks pregnant after part of the house fell on me during the tornado, I felt like I was a contestant on "Survivor"...a bawdy housewife dropped on some weird island with no recognizable survival skills and only a stretchy bandana for a top. How could I be Melly when confined to a bed? Who the heck was I without the ability to DO?
I am still confronting that question. I thought that after my sweet baby was born (via c-section due to my now deformed pelvis) I would bounce back to conquering shape, ready to run, ready to race, ready to let the world know the strength and passion of Melly. Wowzah was I mistaken. My body is so jacked up now. My belly is floppy and weak; my legs are now different lengths and as a result my gait is wonky, which makes my right knee, hip and foot ache every night; and nearly every muscle atrophied while I was on bed rest. I feel doughy and weak and wobbly, physically and mentally.
I've always valued my physical strength and now it is a fraction of what it was before. So, I am working to figure out who I am at the heart of me. I am brave, I am creative, I am funny, and I have great hair. But how will all of that translate into how I live my life absent of the challenges I am used to placing in front of myself? I know that this is a season and I know it has value and will make me a "better" woman but it super sucks. I don't like the uncertainty of not knowing what my body will be capable of once healing is complete. I don't like that I will be reminded of that stinkin' tornado every time I see the scar on my belly or feel the ache in my hip or foot.
But I don't like the idea of being kept down and out...I will rework Mama. I'll find new paths of success that will challenge and thrill me without taxing my jacked-up body. I'll recover. I will.